


Interlude: Cardassian Literature

by qwanderer



Series: My Dear Doctor [8]
Category: A Stitch in Time - Andrew J. Robinson, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: A Stitch in Time - Andrew Robinson, F/M, Garak doesn't actually appear except in spirit via ASIT, Julian and Ezri definitely break up, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 19:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14722415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qwanderer/pseuds/qwanderer
Summary: in which Garak writes to Julian.





	Interlude: Cardassian Literature

**Author's Note:**

> I always like turning the tables, and so Garak must send personal messages to Bashir using pieces of Cardassian literature. Luckily, the one piece of literature that I know of that was written by a Cardassian and accepted into Star Trek licensed apocrypha is an overtly personal message from Garak to Bashir.
> 
> Therefore, all quotes herein are taken from A Stitch in Time, by Andrew J. Robinson.
> 
> As I've said before, I don't believe everything in the book is truth as such, but I do believe it's a story that says something true.

_Perhaps there's hope for us yet._

\- _A Stitch in Time_ , Elim Garak (Andrew J. Robinson) 

* * *

Julian hadn't given up hope that Garak would eventually write back to him. Still, it was a shock and a joy when he checked his messages and discovered that the Cardassian had sent him an enormous text file. At first he was afraid that it was just another Cardassian repetitive epic for him to read, or rather to drown in, or at least to flail around trying to figure out how to swim in. 

Well, would that be so bad, if what Garak wanted of him was to learn how to swim? 

And maybe it was a Cardassian epic. But it was also a letter, written directly from Elim Garak to Julian Bashir. 

Like many of the things Garak said, it was full of contradictions, pushes and pulls, mysteries and lies. He still pushed for a certain amount of distance, still insisted that Julian could go off and live his own life, but underneath that, the need for companionship rang out like a bell, clearer than ever. 

_I know that we have grown apart and that's as it should be. We learn what we can from certain people, then we move on after we've taken what we need. When we learn nothing new about ourselves in a relationship that's when the relationship is over. Or it's over the moment when we're_ afraid _to learn something new about ourselves. But what I have been learning about myself... whatever it was inside me that was sparked and challenged when I first met you... is deeply connected to this story. I'm an unfinished man, Doctor, like a suit of clothes hanging on a display rack waiting for the final touches that may never come; I need to tell this story to make a peace with those parts of me that were left unfinished. A healing._

More than anything, he'd always needed to be seen, to be witnessed, despite all the screens he put up to stop that from happening. 

Julian pinched the bridge of his nose. This had to come, of course, just when Julian was becoming content with his life on the station again. 

He put down the PADD. He needed a break from this. Luckily, it was almost time to meet Ezri for lunch. 

* * *

Julian greeted Ezri with a quick kiss on the lips as he passed her with his lunch tray. 

"Did you look up those Vulcan teaching songs I recommended?" Ezri asked him, as he was sitting down across from her. 

"I'm sorry. I haven't had a chance. Garak finally wrote back." He sighed, slightly exasperated. "Well. I see now why it took so long. He wrote me a novel, more or less. I'm still making my way through it." 

"I'll give you a pass this time, then. How is Garak?" 

"Honestly, I'm not sure," he answered. "I'll let you know if I have a better idea once I've gotten to the end." 

From there Ezri picked up the conversation, sharing news about other friends who'd left the station and what they were up to now. Then she moved on to chatting about what she'd been reading, which was either Harry Potter or Little Women, or possibly both. 

Julian tried to keep up, but he found himself staring into the middle distance, at the flow of people onto the Promenade, as if expecting old friends to walk through the corridor from the docking ring. 

Then Ezri put her hand over his, and said something that finally did catch his attention. "You're here with me," she said, "but you're far away." 

He focused on her immediately. "I'm sorry." He frowned. "I know how that feels, and it's wretched. I shouldn't be doing that to you. I'll pay more attention." 

She looked hard at him. "Sounds like you mind it more than I do," she said. "Someone's been distant with you? No, someone who's here but not here." She made a thoughtful moue. "Oh," she said, then, closing her eyes. "Oh, you miss Jadzia. When I'm here with you, it makes you miss Jadzia." 

He opened his mouth to deny, but really, what could he say that would sound better? "Sometimes," he admitted. 

She looked at her hands. "I'm a substitute." Then she looked up, making her statement into a question with her steady, seeking gaze. 

"No! No, Ezri. You're more than that. I like you. I like Ezri Dax." He bit his lip, then frowned, finally closing his eyes to her unwavering gaze. "But yes. There are people I've had to say goodbye to, and I'm trying to fill the holes they left by spending time with you." 

"People." She smirked. "Not just Jadzia?" 

"I never had - _this_ \- with Jadzia. I miss her, yes, but... look. Look where we are, look what we're doing. We're having lunch. We're talking about literature. Sometimes... you know, just sometimes, I look up from my lunch and I expect to see his face looking back at me." 

"We do other things too," Ezri said with a certain amount of the adolescent combination of enthusiasm and embarrassment, then she frowned at what she saw on Julian's face. "Oh my god, Julian, really? You and Garak?" She leaned towards him. "Since when?" 

Well, Garak had given him permission to tell Ezri. In a way. He nodded, searching her face. Surprise was fading to something... bittersweet and fond. "You're not upset?" he asked. 

"You were very up-front with me about the fact that you sometimes date more than one person at a time. I knew you had... other interests. You have so much capacity to care, Julian Bashir." She smiled, only a little sadness to it. "So tell me. When did it start? And did you leave things open, when he left?" 

"It's been five years, nearly." 

Now, she looked just a bit upset. "Five years? And you never told me?" 

"He was quite insistent that we keep it a secret." He laughed, sounding hollow. "That was the only reason I dated Leeta, really. I wanted to be able to hold hands with someone on the Promenade." 

Ezri peered at him, and Julian swore he could see Jadzia and the others looking out through her eyes. "Why are you still here, Julian?" 

"Because..." He honestly wasn't sure how to answer. 

"Because you think you owe something to Dax? Julian. I'm a different person than Jadzia, and even if you owed her anything, which you don't, debts don't transfer that way. Look, I'm... I've been picking up the practical pieces of her life because it's easier for me to do it than all of you who are still grieving for her. I had to face who I am now and what that means. I remember where she put everything and what she was planning to do with it. But when it comes to the emotional stuff, you have to treat me like a new person." 

"But what I feel for you is different than what I felt for Jadzia. I know that you're different. I like that you are. I'm not still chasing her. I want you." 

"Do you, though?" Ezri put a hand on his arm. "Listen, we've got chemistry. I've seen it enough times to get the different ways people are drawn to each other. This kind of chemistry is quick and bright and it feels all-consuming, but it's not. When you really fall for someone, Julian, when you fall hard, I know what that looks like. I've seen it on you through Jadzia's eyes. And I'm not seeing it now. At least, not when you're thinking about me." 

Ouch. Would that hurt quite so much as it did, if it wasn't true? 

Julian closed his eyes. "Funny enough, in some ways I feel like I owe it to Garak. He was always so insistent that I have an escape route, that I had a way to build a normal life for myself." 

"Do you want a normal life?" Ezri asked. 

He thought about that, really thought. The first thing he'd done after Garak had nudged him in the direction of building a life with someone else was throw himself at Sarina, in a way that was utterly stupid and utterly terrible for them both. Things would never have been normal with her, another Augment. Things would never be normal with Dax, either. A joined trill with so many lives behind them. Julian was always pushing the edges, going for the frontiers. Julian wanted to be the farthest he could be from where things were normal, because he never would be, and it was better to feel out of place in a place where everyone had trouble adapting. 

Deep Space Nine was settling down, now, without the threats of the Dominion and the Cardassian Union pushing everything awry. 

He was useful here, but it didn't _challenge_ him anymore, not like it had. 

"Why am I still here?" he asked. 

"You don't want to let go of the life you had here," Ezri told him. "But I think we both need to accept that it's over, and it's time to go start a new life. What do you say, Julian? Can we be friends?" 

He swallowed, and took her hand. "Yes, of course. I'm sorry about this. I really thought we could build something, but I should have known it couldn't happen with half my heart gone with Garak to Cardassia. I shouldn't have put you in this position. I shouldn't have made you a substitute." 

She squeezed his hand, then let go. "Listen, it's not so bad. Sometimes someone's got to be the understudy." 

Julian shook his head. "You deserve to be yourself. Just yourself." 

"That isn't what life had in store for me. I don't get to just be Ezri. I'm always going to be full of ghosts. I'm going to haunt some people. And I try not to think about what my life would have been without Dax, because that way lies madness, and I should know. I'm the expert. But Julian. If Jadzia was going to haunt you, she would want me to tell you to go. Don't worry about us. Go find the other half of your heart." 

She looked like she was about to cry, but she also looked incredibly earnest. 

"I do love you," he said. 

"Don't," she pleaded. "I know, Julian, but don't." 

He nodded, and got up to leave, giving her a chance to compose herself before she had to do the same. 

* * *

He was going to be useless for his research for the rest of the day, while all these elements swum around in his head, recontextualizing themselves and ending up in unexpected configurations. 

He'd known he was trying too hard. He'd known it was because he'd promised Garak. But, suddenly, looking at all that from Ezri's perspective, it sounded awful. He'd always been very careful not to claim to be exclusive with anyone when he wasn't, but "not exclusive" and "actively in love with someone else" suddenly seemed poles apart. 

Sighing, he put aside his research and picked up the PADD with Garak's message on it. For the moment, it seemed easier than dealing with the mess he suddenly found himself in here. 

Some of the most interesting parts, oddly enough, were the conversations between Garak and himself that Garak portrayed as happening while he was on the station. 

It was different than the history Julian remembered, and not just because no mention was made of time spent inside their circle of silence. Things happened out of order. Conversations changed course from how Julian recalled them, or were expanded past recognition. But it still all felt true, and he wondered how Garak always managed that. 

The scenes on Cardassia seemed to fill in the missing spaces in the time on the station, since they were chock full of secret meetings, of codes, of relationships being found out and people therefore being put in danger. It was steeped in Garak's caution, the walls he lived behind. But it also fought that lesson every step of the way. 

_"He's hard, Mila," Father said._

_"He has to be," she replied._

_"But to the point where he's unreachable?" Father asked. "Where nothing penetrates? How can he express even his basic needs if he's trapped inside a shell?"_

It explained many things, the way Garak's stories always did, lies or not. 

It also felt personal. Julian wondered how much this story had been nudged and manipulated until it felt like it might have been about Julian himself. About parents who wanted him to be something in particular, and pushed him until he became that. About walls put up and secrets kept in order to survive. 

Then, suddenly, from one page to the next, the drive of the story changed from simply a plea to be seen to a more overt request for help. Julian didn't think that it was a coincidence that it was the same page in which Garak gave his only mention of the Federation presence on Cardassia during the rebuilding. 

It was also the point in the story where the death toll on Cardassia felt heaviest. 

_For myself, Doctor, when a corpse is too heavy to bury I try to remember to ask someone to help me._

* * *

The day after he received Garak's message, Doctor Bashir began the process of tying up loose ends on the station, ending some research projects where they stood, passing on others to colleagues who could continue the work he'd begun. He put in for immediate leave. And he requested a transfer to Cardassia. 

It wasn't a hasty decision, he found himself explaining to Kira, but rather a decision a long time in the making, and one that he'd put off for far too long. 

Something in Kira's eyes told him that she understood. Julian thought that if Kira had believed there was even a snowball's chance in hell of her ever learning to swim in the seas of Odo's home world, she would have been right there next to him on the next transport out. 

He hadn't even read the end of the message yet. But as he waited for bureaucracy and transport schedules to catch up to his decision, he read on, and everything he read made him more sure that he was making the right choice. 

Garak spoke of his love life: 

_Careful, Elim. You know perfectly well that the surest way to your heart is conversation._

He spoke of the political situation on Cardassia: 

_"You're a doctor, yes, and that's your strength. I've learned something about your profession over the past several years. Don't think like a politician. Think of the planet as a patient barely hanging on to life. Think like a doctor. How would you save this planet?"_

And as if he hadn't already made things perfectly clear by the standards of their public communications, he ended the message with a clear invitation: 

_I hope that someday you'll have the opportunity to see it. Nothing would please me more. You're always welcome, Doctor._


End file.
